


Things Atlantis Base Personnel Has Been Ordered Not To Do:

by ArwenLune



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-26
Updated: 2011-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-26 13:57:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/284033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArwenLune/pseuds/ArwenLune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>#19: While senior command is delighted with the success of the recent talent shows, band names are not acceptable substitutes for gate team names.<br/>#20: No matter <i>how</i> good 'Lorne & The Impending Disasters' might look in a mission report.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Season 1




(season 1)

  

  1. You will not refer to the Athosian forehead touch as 'the mindmelding thing'
  

  2. You will not attempt to convince Pegasus allies that Star Trek is a documentary
  

  3. Or, indeed, Farscape
  

  4. Fine, you will not attempt to convince Pegasus allies that _any_ fictional film, series or game is documentary.
  

  5. Those expedition members who carry the Ancient gene do not appreciate having their duties disrupted to function as light switch. Any technology that requires their attention may be saved for the daily timeslot where a gene-carrier makes themselves available: 1600-1700 in the Ancient Tech lab.  
  

  6. You will not convince Pegasus allies that 'Smartypants' is a respectful form of 'doctor'
  

  7. The expedition has no more coffee. The coffee supply is gone. This situation will not change unless we made contact with Earth and receive new supplies. Please refrain from asking Sgt Madbrooks (Ops/Supplies) if there is coffee left. 
  

  8. If your urine is a disturbing colour, please consider if you have drunk any Athosian smoked tea before heading to the infirmary. 
  

  9. Command sympathises with the urge to look for a coffee substitute, but no possible alternative may be tried before it has been thoroughly analysed by both Botany and Dr Beckett. 
  

  10. You may not play soccer in the Gate room
  

  11. You will not address Marijke van IJsselmuiden (head of Ops/Tech) as 'Sgt Siler' despite the similarities in function and skillset. 
  

  12. Especially not when she is suspended upside-down to weld ceiling plates.
  

  13. However, for those who struggle with the pronunciation of Ms van IJsselmuiden's name, addressing her as 'Kaylee' is acceptable.
  

  14. The desalination basin is not a pool.
  

  15. There is a pool on the West pier. Personnel is welcome to use the pool in off-duty hours.
  

  16. Personal recreational material on the communal servers should be clearly marked as such. 
  

  17. Personal recreational material of an intimate nature will be tolerated on the communal server only if it does not exceed 1GB per person and is securely passworded. 
  

  18. Command recognises that uniforms get damaged or lost, and requests that personnel maintain as close an approximation of standard uniform as can reasonably be achieved.  
  

  19. Swimming shorts, a towel and flipflops do not a uniform make.
  

  20. While an open wormhole does indeed look like water, it is not necessary to hold one's nose shut while walking into it. 
  

  21. Similarly, snorkels,  floats and flippers are not appropriate gear for offworld missions. 
  

  22. Especially for diplomatic missions 
  

  23. (who even _brought_ that stuff here?)  
  

  24. You may not play football, rugby or any other ballgame in the Gate room, no matter how convenient a goal the Gate itself makes. 
  

  25. You will refrain from complaining to the cook that the Julda fruit pie is 'just not how mom used to make it'. Unless you are from Pegasus, in which case you may only complain if you can provide a better recipe. 
  



 


	2. Season 2

  

  1. Basejumping is strictly prohibited in Atlantis 
  

  2. New base personnel is not required to perform the Athosian Moon Dance to 'become an Atlantean'. 
  

  3. Especially not the Marine's variation of the Athosian Moon Dance. 
  

  4. Performance of the Marine's variation of the Athosian Moon Dance is strictly prohibited in any public space on or outside of Atlantis, lest it endanger Earth's diplomatic relations in the Pegasus galaxy. 
  

  5. Ops/Tech's new fall arrest equipment may not be used to bungee-jump from the control gallery 
  

  6. Austin Powers style 'Yeah baby, yeah' is not an acceptable empathic affirmative. 
  

  7. Athosian tobacco may not be brought, kept, traded, sold or smoked on Atlantis. 
  

  8. Expedition personnel may use Athosian tobacco on the mainland only if there is at least 24 hours between the use and their next duty shift. Anybody found on duty while under the influence will be subject to extreme sarcasm, a number of weeks on recycle-room duty, and additional disciplinary action. 
  

  9. The laminator in the Ops office may not be used to laminate popcorn. 
  

  10. Or indeed anything else that isn't paper and important enough to laminate with our very limited supply of laminating pouches, thankyouverymuch. 
  

  11. It is not acceptable to mock German accents when speaking about or with the Genii. Atlantis is an international community and all our members should feel welcome here. 
  

  12. The control gallery and gate room are not to be used for drying laundry. Please inform the Ancient Tech department of any problems with the laundry systems. If they are unavailable, Ops/Tech. 
  

  13. There is no requirement for Ronon Dex, or any other Pegasus ally, to perform the Moonwalk as part of the induction process to become an Atlantean. 
  

  14. The Atlantis LARP society is strictly prohibited from running scenarios without notifying the control room and in any space not clearly marked with 'Live Action Role Play in Progress' signs and regular audio announcements. 
  

  15. The control tower and accommodation zones will be off-limits to LARP scenarios at all times. 
  

  16. A team rendition of 'I Just Called To Say I Love You' is not an adequate substitute for an IDC code. 
  

  17. You will refrain from adding "In SPACE!" to the end of every sentence. 
  

  18. In the interest of cultural enrichment, Atlantis personnel may participate in the Atlantis Homebrewing Society lead by Dr Zelenka and Halling. Brewing capacity per person caps at 2 litres wine or 4 litres beer at any one time. The AHS meets in the secondary storage space on level 6. Any brewing project taking place outside of this will be considered a public liability and destroyed. 
  

  19. Personnel is not allowed to use personal shields to prevent medical exams or procedures. 
  

  20. Requisition forms are for requesting necessary items such as uniforms, boots, computers and technical equipment. Emails home are for requesting items such as aloha shirts, Fig Newtons, jumping stilts, Gameboys and haggis. 
  

  21. You will not refer to senior command staff as 'the bossy ones'. 
  

  22. Broken laptops do not need a Viking funeral ritual 
  

  23. Stated mission goals have never, and will not, include 'being able to end a mission report with 'and then they made me their chief'. 
  

  24. The Macarena is not the official Gate travel welcoming ritual of Atlantis. 
  

  25. The appropriate response to a command is not "Ni" 
  



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these are indeed vaguely inspired by 'Skippy's list' - or at least the idea. I haven't read that list in at least 6 years and won't read it now to avoid overlap.


	3. Season 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to keep these light, so there's not very much season based

  

  1. The term 'suckers' is not an appropriate term to use in official reports.
  

  2. It is never appropriate to ask outgoing gate teams if you can have their possessions or quarters if they do not return.
  

  3. Despite the success of the Summer Solstice event, Command will not authorise the painting of a permanent giant Twister board on the Gate room floor.
  

  4. When entertaining refugees, please limit yourself to the list of movies that has been compiled by Anthropology. Invasion of the Body Snatchers is _not_ a suitable movie. 
  

  5. Buckets, wastebaskets, pans and other items should be returned to their respective places immediately after the weekly percussion session. 
  

  6. While command appreciates that night shifts can be boring and that using the labelmaker is mildly addictive, it is not in fact necessary to label the Stargate. 
  

  7. Expedition laptops are not to be referred to as 'Etch-a-sketches'.
  

  8. The appropriate response to a command is not 'Yeahsureyabetcha'
  

  9. Senior command is content to let the record for 'most interteam offworld marriages' rest with SG1.
  

  10. Location and layout sketches in mission reports should not involve stick figures. 
  

  11. The publication of the new Harry Potter book is not an acceptable reason to miss duty. 
  

  12. The list on Dr Weir's office door shows the lending order for the two copies of the book. Please read fast. Personnel on opposing shifts may negotiate a timeshare arrangement.
  

  13. You will not 'video bomb' the scheduled check-in with Star Gate Command.  
  

  14. Access to security footage is restricted to authorised personnel and may not be copied, published, shared, accessed for personal use, or exchanged with unauthorised personnel on Atlantis or at the SGC. Sgt. Harriman has also been reminded of the rules by Gen. O'Neill. 
  

  15. 'Hive Busting' is not a competitive activity, and it is not this expedition's primary goal to 'beat SG1s style record'.
  

  16. The expedition's video equipment is not to be used to film pranks, humorous re-enactments of mission events, or other unofficial use. Personal video cameras may be used to such film material, and Command encourages its submission to Col. Sheppard for the highlight reel at the Christmas party.
  

  17. Even during a crisis, Command requires more detail than 'Stand back, I'm going to try science!'. Elaborate please. 
  

  18. Radio Atlantis can be picked up from every personal radio and room comms system. It may only be broadcast over the city wide comms system with express permission of Command, no matter how good the DJ thinks a track is. 
  

  19. While senior command is delighted with the success of the recent talent shows, band names are not acceptable substitutes for gate team names.
  

  20. No matter _how_ good 'Lorne  & The Impending Disasters' might look in a mission report. 
  

  21. 'An approach in accordance with pioneering gate travel techniques as set out by SG1' still means 'improvisation'. Improvisation is not an acceptable mission plan. 
  

  22. You will not suggest, ask, challenge or otherwise attempt to convince Vala Mal Doran to stow away on the Daedalus for a visit to Atlantis.
  

  23. In official reports, the terms 'C4' and 'explosives' are sufficient. 'Lt Cadman employed C4 to open the door' rather than 'Lt Cadman caused a +10 Big Boom of Awesome'
  

  24. Dr McKay does not have to roll a 'knowledge check' to solve the crisis of the day. 
  

  25. It is not necessary to declare 'the ironic eyebrow' under Weaponry Deployed in field mission reports. 
  



**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Some Kind of Attitude](https://archiveofourown.org/works/580681) by [gelbes_gilatier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gelbes_gilatier/pseuds/gelbes_gilatier)




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